Ambien. No doubt about it.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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