I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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