Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
