we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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