I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
