i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I need to align my fucking chakras
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
