Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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