I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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