it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
