I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
