I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
