Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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