is your mom at the bar?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
