this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
