Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i barfeds in our rink
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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