Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I think my moral compass just broke
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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