Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i barfeds in our rink
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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