nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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