My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
