the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
