I just threw up on my dentist
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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