Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
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There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
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Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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