Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
