Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
