I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
