I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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