I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
