Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
