It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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