took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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