I should be sponsored by Trojan
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Boobs are out for the taking
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
