We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
