I wish I could punch you in the face.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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