Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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