dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
