I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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