I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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