I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
well you can't waste a boner
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
