My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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