the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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