Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
