Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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