Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
