In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
