I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
