Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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