He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
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We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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