"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
