It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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