his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
