My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
