that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
