Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
