im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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