i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
