Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
