keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
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If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
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I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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