At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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