A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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